The reason I ended up writing the LOLCat wedding ceremony is because some friends of mine asked me to officiate at a pirate wedding. They wanted something fun and complete secular, and hey, I was glad to help out. Of course, I had to have a costume.

(Picture courtesy John Schultz.) I managed to rope my mother-in-law into making me a shirt, and as a gift the bride made the vest and pants for me. As you can see, I’m reading from the holy tome “How I Became a Pirate”, by Melinda Long and David Shannon.

I couldn’t find a pirate-themed ceremony, so ended up putting together one of my own. Of course I have to share that ceremony with you, dear Internet.

—

Rogues, scoundrels, roustabouts, privateers, pirates, and even ninjas¹, we have come together on this Saturday to witness the joining of person 1 and person 2.

person 1 and person 2, you are entering into a commitment born of love. Before these witnesses you are joining together, creating a union that involves both joy and responsibility. You must enter into your marriage with no lien on either of your ships or crew, free of other commitments. Bring forward the sword! [Someone brings forward a sword.]

Do you both swear on this sword that there is no reason why your union cannot proceed? [With luck the answer is “no”.]

[To person 1:] What is your full name and rank?
What do you desire? [“This woman’s hand in marriage” or somesuch]
Will you have this woman as your partner? Will you love her, comfort her, and honor her? Will you protect her, no matter who might board your ship and attempt to wrest her from you, as long as you both do love? [Aye.]

[To person 2] What is your full name and rank?
What do you desire? [“This man’s hand in marriage.”]
Will you have this man as your partner? Will you love him, comfort him, and honor him? Will you protect him, no matter who might board your ship and attempt to wrest him from you, as long as you both do love? [Aye.]

[To audience:] A marriage is more than two people. It is also the trusty crew that surrounds them and helps them. person 1 and person 2’s marriage will be blessed by your support. All who would provide that support, say “Arr!” [Arr!]

[Vows go here.]

The rings, please. [Someone brings the rings.]

The ring is the most instantly recognized symbol of marriage. The ring is a circle, indicating the infinity of unbroken love. Like life, it returns back upon itself. Whether the rings are lovingly bought, taken as part of rightful plunder, or stolen from a sunken chest, they symbolize the happiness, wholeness, and love of your marriage. Your exchange of rings shows how your lives are now intertwined.

person 1, place the ring on person 2’s hand and repeat after me:

I give you this ring / as a symbol of our love. / It is a reminder of / our promises / to each other.

person 2, repeat after me:

I wear this ring / as a symbol of our love. / It will remind me / of our promises / to each other.

person 2, place the ring on person 1’s hand and repeat after me:

I give you this ring / as a symbol of our love. / It is a reminder of / our promises / to each other.

person 1, repeat after me:

I wear this ring / as a symbol of our love. / It will remind me / of our promises / to each other.

Bring forward the sword again! [Again with the sword sword.]

When you both jump over this sword, it symbolizes you cutting past ties and moving into the future together. [The couple jumps the sword.]

May your wedding be blessed, and may it be spoken of wherever the Jolly Roger flies. I now pronounce you man and wife. You may both kiss.

I am honored to present person 1 and person 2. Three cheers! Hip hip – [HOORAY!] Hip hip – [HOORAY!] Hip hip – [HOORAY!]

Yo ho ho, me hearties! Drink up!

¹ We had two people dressed as ninjas² at the wedding, one of whom was in the wedding party. (back)

² That is, two ninjas that we could see.